


This is why we can't have nice things, Shiro

by stover



Series: #SQUADLIFE [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: 5-Hour Energy in a Super Big Gulp, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Ideas, Before #SQUADLIFE, Gen, M/M, Mothman is Real, Murphy's Law, Spiders are evil, Squad Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 16:45:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9132733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stover/pseuds/stover
Summary: “WHATEVER YOU DO, DONOTFILL UP A ‘SUPER BIG GULP’ CUP WITH 5-HOUR ENERGY AND CHUG THE WHOLE THING. MY HEART HAS EITHER STOPPED COMPLETELY OR IS BEATING SO FAST THAT I CAN’T FEEL MY OWN PULSE.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place 3 years before [Squad Brunch](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7969876), but after the gang moved out to California.

Somewhere downstairs, the world’s largest spider was running rampant through the house. Not too quickly, though, because Hunk had managed to partially crush one of its legs with rolled up newspaper before they all scrambled up to Keith’s room. Crippled or not, the spider was HUGE and HAIRY. As such, it easily ranked a category 6 on the Creepy Scale.

“Lance, our Creepy Scale only goes up to 5.”

“That’s exactly my point, Pidge!”

“Oh, right.” “Makes sense.” “Whatever.”

They wound up holing themselves up in Keith’s room for five hours before they saw another sign of life. In the meantime, they let the day fly by with an old copy of Halo Lance dug out from behind Keith’s bookshelf, a giant thing stuffed with all sorts of books and DVDs documenting supernatural phenomena. One item in particular had half the group confounded, and Keith ended up spending a good ten minutes or so explaining the many cases investigated in _The Mothman Prophecies._

“C’mon, dude, mothman can’t be a thing,” said Lance.

“Shut up and give me cover, non-believer.”

Hunk was in the middle of flipping through Keith’s coveted hardcover copy of _The Mothman Prophecies_ when he paused and took a look at the screen. He put the book on Keith’s desk.  “Oooh, you guys, watch out—! There’s— Ahh, good, good! Go, go, go!”

“Hey!” Lance called out, eyes glued to the screen, “No backseat gaming!”

“Lance, you’re in my shot.”

“You’re in _my_ shot, mullet man!”

“Speaking of shots,” piped Pidge, smacking her lips, “We need some real drinks up in here. No more of baby Keith’s peach schnapps—”

“I told you, they’re Shiro’s—”

“—And we’re out of snacks,” finished Pidge, tossing a small red box across the room. “I ate all the Pocky.”

Keith whirled around. “What? Pidge!”

“YES!” Lance crowed, pumping a fist in the air. “HEADSHOT!”

Keith threw his controller at Lance. “That was _me,_ genius! You shot _me!”_

Lance turned sheepish. “Oh, oops. Sorry, Keith.”

Keith grabbed Lance’s controller and moved right into enemy fire. “Oops,” he mocked, dropping the controller with a single hand. _“Sorry,_ Lance.”

“YOU _SALTY_ SON OF A—!”

The door to Keith’s room opened, and all four of them froze.

Shiro popped his head in. “Hey! You guys all staying for dinner? I’m making lasagna and—”

“CLOSE THE DOOR!” “ARE YOU CRAZY?!” “HE’S TRYING TO KILL US!” “Hi, Shiro.”

There was a mad dash for the door. Lance and Pidge shoved bodily at the door, nearly breaking off Shiro’s prosthetic arm in the process. The guy was floundering, wide-eyed and somewhat panicked, as he watched what must’ve seemed like two of his brother’s friends trying to use a door as a cleaver to hack off his arm like it was a chunk of fat on a prime cut of beef.

It was only because of Hunk that Shiro got out in one piece. In a single movement, Hunk crossed the room to grab Shiro by the arm and pulled him to safety. Unfortunately, the force of Hunk’s pull combined with Shiro’s weight sent them both flying backwards. They smacked painfully hard into the side of Keith’s desk, which sent _The Mothman Prophecies_ tumbling to the floor with them following closely after it.

Like lightening, Keith snapped forward with his whole body to where Hunk and his brother were falling to snatch up his copy of _The Mothman Prophecies._ Keith was carefully inspecting the spine and corners of his book for any kind of damage when Hunk and Shiro crashed on the floor. The two of them gave Keith flabbergasted looks, speaking over each other—

“Lance just tried to _kill_ us—” “We just got mauled by your _desk—”_

—and finishing simultaneously with:

_“And you only care about your book?!”_

Keith raised an eyebrow. “Uhhh, yeah? This is a signed copy.”

“Booo,” cried Pidge, making an X with her arms. “You’re a baaaad brother.”

“A _SIGNED_ copy!” Keith shouted, cradling the book in his arms. “And you’re one to talk! You and Lance just tried to kill Shiro with a door!”

Lance and Pidge looked at each other before replying together:

“I panicked.” “Self-preservation.”

Hunk star-fished stomach-down on Keith’s floor. “Call 911,” he groaned. “I can’t feel my ribs. Also, we need two heart transplants for Keith and Pidge, stat. Maybe for Lance, too.”

“I said I _panicked!”_

Keith rolled his eyes and went to place his book back with the rest of his prized possessions. When he returned, Shiro was crawling off of Hunk’s back and sitting up on the floor with a wince. A telltale crease was starting to form in his brow, one that everyone was very familiar with.

Soon enough, Shiro’s entire face turned stern, filling with disappointment sure to measure deeper than the Mariana Trench. He sent a patronizing look first on Lance, who was pretending to be enthralled by a page in _The UFO Experience_ (which Keith promptly snatched away with a protective growl before shelving), and then at everyone else. “What was all that even about?! What’s going on?” His stare settled on Keith. “What did you do?”

Keith’s jaw dropped. “Me?! _I’m_ not the one who tried to close a door on you! What could I have possibly done to start all this in the first place?!”

“I can answer that,” Hunk chirped with a raised finger, immediately getting all eyes on him. “Actually, it’s not… I’m not answering what Keith _did,_ per se, because he didn’t do anything—”

Keith threw his hands up in the air. _“Thank_ you!”

“—Except cradle his book in his arms while watching me and Shiro fall to our deaths.”

Keith delivered Hunk a flat look while Lance and Pidge snickered a good distance away.

“But, uh, anyway…” Hunk pointed toward the door. “There’s a spider out there. A 6 on the Creepy Scale.”

“It’s disgusting,” added Pidge, wrinkling her nose.

“And huge!” Lance supplied helpfully, gesturing wildly with his arms. “It’s got these giganto, hairy legs, and knife-like, blood-sucking fangs, and—”

“Oh,” Shiro’s face smoothed out in sudden understanding as he reached for his phone, “You mean this one?” He held his phone out to display a photo of a hairy, black spider with spindly legs trapped underneath a clear, plastic tupperware container.

Three of them crowded around the phone to get a better look. Hunk remained star-fished on the floor and tried to twist his head around to see.

Pidge cooed. “Aw, it’s kinda cute, now.”

“…Wow,” said Lance, “so it’s just… chilling in there?”

“What?” Hunk gave up trying to twist his head around and, instead, stretched his head all the way back. “Chilling where? In the fridge? You put it in the fridge?!”

Keith grabbed Shiro’s phone and held it in front of Hunk’s face. “How long ago did this happen?” he asked over Hunk’s squeal of, _“That’s my tupperware!”_

Shiro took his phone back from Keith. “Since I got home from work. So… Half an hour?”

Lance sputtered. “And you didn’t TELL us?!”

Shiro gave a good-natured laugh. “I didn’t know you were all up here because of _this_ little guy.”

Lance was flailing his limbs. “L-Little?! ARE YOU KIDDING—”

Keith smooshed his palm over Lance’s mouth. “Alright, enough,” he grumbled. “The spider’s trapped, end of problem, so c’mon, move. I gotta pee.”

Lance scowled, but moved out of the way to let Keith out. As Keith ran out, Lance took the moment to stand in front of the mirror on the wall between the bookshelf and the door. He gasped. “Aw, what? My hair’s all messed up!”

“Whew!” Hunk turned on the floor to flop on his back. “I thought we were gonna be in here forever!”

Pidge latched onto Shiro with a hug from behind. “Yeah, you’re a real lifesaver,” she said, patting Shiro on the head the way you would do to a dog. “Sorry for earlier, by the way. No hard feelings, right?”

The door opened suddenly. Keith stood dramatically in the doorway, one hand still on the doorknob and the other forming a loose fist that he cradled close to his chest.

“That was fast,” quipped Lance, still fixing his hair in front of the mirror beside Keith’s bookshelf. “I thought you had to pee? Isn’t the bathroom all the way down the— OH MY GOD!”

In the palm of Keith’s hand was a hair, black spider. Keith held it out with a frown. “I found it in the hall. I think it’s the same one from downstairs. See this back leg? It’s not moving right. Oh, wait. It _is_ moving. I guess it’s not the same one, then.”

“Another one?” Shiro moved to get up. “Well, we can just go and put that one in with the—”

Hunk tackled Shiro to the ground. “IT’S A TRAP, CLOSE THE DOOR!”

“IT’S BEEN TRAINING AND GETTING STRONGER!” Lance screamed. “IT WANTS TO KILL US!”

Pidge kicked the door in Keith’s face and locked it. “A- _ha!”_ With a grin, Pidge dusted off her hands in a motion indicating a job well done. “Now, we’re safe.”

Shiro stared at the cowering group of college-bound teens with a disbelieving stare. “Is this _really_ happening right now?”

A heavy fist pounded the door from the other side. _“See, Shiro?”_ came a muffled hiss through the door, _“This is why I don’t like bringing people over. Because they’re all CRAZY!”_

“Yeah?” Pidge taunted, cupping her hands around her mouth. “Who’s holding a mutant spider in their bare hands?”

_“A-A mutant—?! It’s a baby tarantula!”_

Pidge clicked her tongue and pointed a finger gun at the door. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Behind her, Lance and Hunk high-fived.

 _“Ugh, whatever! I’m gonna put this guy in with the other one.”_ They heard Keith walk back down the hall.

“Yeah, Keith, you do that!” Lance hollered. He put his hand over his chest. “Bless his little mullet,” he whispered, wiping a fake tear with a finger. “We will remember his bravery and perfect abs above all things.”

Shiro groaned and facepalmed. “Lance, he’s just putting the spider into a plastic container. Nothing bad is going to happen—”

Heavy footsteps thundered down the hall. A rapid series of hard-hitting pounds rattled the door. _“Shiro?”_ Keith’s voice was shaky. _“The container’s empty. The spider’s not there.”_

Shiro blanched. “What.”

Hunk paled. “Oh my god.” Eyes flicking warily at the ground, Hunk crawled up onto Keith’s bed. “Lance was right. I-It’s hunting us down.”

The doorknob rattled furiously. _“Guys, let me in!”_

Immediately, Lance bounded over to the door. He was about to unlock it when Pidge stopped him.

 _“No!”_ she whispered, scrambling onto Hunk’s back. _“What if it’s a trap?”_

Lance made an indignant snort. “Okay, but did _you_ voluntarily sacrifice yourself to save the rest of the group? I don’t think so.” Lance unlocked the door and swung it open.

Keith smiled a sweet, innocent smile.

Lance flashed a thumbs up. “Welcome back, buddy, you’re—”

Two black, hairy spiders flew into the room. Then, Keith shut the door.

They all screamed.

 

* * *

 

The group gathered around a rectangular wire cage lined with a few layers of old newspaper. They followed Shiro as he set the cage down on the counter and placed a loving hand on top.

“There,” he said, smiling. “Now they’re not going anywhere.”

Lance narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips. “So… You guys are just gonna keep the tarantulas?”

The two brothers looked at one another. Then, both of them turned to Lance, one with a bright smile and the other with a sour look.

“Why not?” “Uh, yeah?”

Lance shuddered and inched away. “Sick. You guys’re weird.”

“I think they’re kinda cool, now.” said Hunk, poking a straw through the bars and watching the tarantulas scurry to the other side. He put the straw down. “Sorry,” he whispered, pushing his face close. “You don’t have to be scared. We’re more scared of you, you know. Well. At least, I am.”

Slowly, one of the tarantulas lifted both of its front legs in the air.

Hunk grinned. “Aw, look! It’s saying hi!”

Keith crossed his arms. “It’s not saying hi, it’s saying get the fuck out of its territory.”

Immediately, Hunk snapped back with wide eyes. “Yeah, Lance is right. You guys’re weird.”

Lance agreed. “Double weird for keeping it in a hamster cage. Like you just happened to have one lying around?”

“Keith used to have a hamster when he was a kid,” Shiro said with a fond smile. “It died when I ran it over with a lawn mower.”

Keith looked scandalized. “What?! You told me it ran away while I was at summer camp!”

Hunk was only vaguely invested in the current conversation, choosing instead to pay most of his attention to the arachnids. He pulled the cage close to the edge and made his plastic straw dance through the bars of the cage from below, smiling when the tarantulas tried to poke at it each time it popped up.

Shiro sent Keith a flat look. “Really, Keith? A hamster that ‘ran away’?”

“Well, _Dan’s_ hamster ran away on him!”

This time, it was Lance’s turn to swap befuddled looks with Shiro.

Shiro and Lance both spoke simultaneously. “Are you sure it was a hamster?” “…Who’s Dan?”

“Yes! It was a hamster! And really, Lance? You don’t know who Dan is? _Dan?!_ Dan is not on fire?!

Lance gave Keith a blank stare. “Uhhh, yeah? He shouldn’t _be_ on fire in the first place?”

“Oh my god.” Furiously, Keith pulled his phone from his pocket and called for Siri. In a few seconds, Keith was shoving his phone in Lance’s face. _“This_ guy! _This_ is Dan!”

Hunk and Shiro squeezed past Lance to peer at the photo on Keith’s phone.

“Ohhh, I’ve seen him before. He’s pretty funny.” “He’s got nice hair.”

Lance gestured wildly at the photo. “He’s an internet personality! You can’t believe everything a YouTuber puts in their videos!”

“Says the guy who freaked when Felix said he was deleting his channel,” Hunk quipped, twirling the straw between his fingers.

“Who’s side are you on?! And he _did,_ technically, delete his channel!”

Keith snorted. “Yeah, the back-up nobody cared about.”

Lance gasped. “How dare you.”

Keith gave Lance a withering look. Beside him, Hunk shrugged and nodded his agreement.

Lance sniffed loudly, fake tears forming in his eyes. “I can’t believe you. This is betrayal!” he cried, throwing down the phone in his hands. It thumped heavily to the tiled floor.

Lance froze. Keith freaked.

“Shit.”

“That was my phone!”

Hunk was quick to change the subject. “Hey, where’d Pidge go?”

“You threw my phone!”

“Dude, chill, it’s not cracked.”

“You _threw_ my— Augh, I can’t believe you!”

Shiro grabbed at the chance of a new topic. “That… That was a very good question, Hunk. Uh…” He looked over at Lance and Keith, who were still arguing bitterly. “Have you two seen Pidge?”

Both boys stopped in their argument to consider this question. Lance was in a headlock, his hand clamped around Keith’s wrist to pull Keith’s hand out of his disheveled hair, when he answered. “She said she was gonna fix a drink or something.”

Keith frowned. “But we don’t even have any alcohol left in the house,” he said, letting Lance slip out of his hold and run to check his reflection in the hall. “Hunk drank most of it yesterday, and Pidge finished off the schnapps.”

“Oh, right,” laughed Hunk. “Sorry ‘bout that.”

Shiro and Keith shrugged it off. “Don’t worry about it.” “It’s cool.”

Their nonchalant attitude had Lance shouting down the hall at them. “What?! If _I’d_ wiped out your stash, you would’ve made a stink out of it!”

Keith scowled. “Yeah, that’s because you turn into a gross slob when you’re drunk.”

“Also, you scream a lot,” Hunk quipped. “More than usual.”

“And you get horny,” added Shiro.

Keith and Hunk agreed. “It’s annoying.” “Yeah, totally.”

“Keith gets all weird, too!” Lance argued, rejoining the group now.

Shiro raised an eyebrow. “That’s why he doesn’t drink all that much?”

Keith and Hunk nodded. “Moderation.” “Yeah, Keith’s got _kuleana.”_

Lance slapped his face. “I hate all of you,” he grumbled bitterly. “Where’s Pidge? She’ll back me up on this. Pidge. Pidge! Hey, Pidge! Get over here!”

The group took a moment to appraise the silence filling up.

Shiro made his way down the hall. “Where’d she go?”

They followed Shiro out of the kitchen, with Lance leading his peers after Shiro. “She’s so small, she couldn’t have gotten too far— Oh, look, there she is. She’s on the sofa.”

Pidge was lying on her stomach, one hand hanging over the couch. Her glasses were fogged up from the deep breaths she was taking, and she wasn’t saying a word.

Lance poked her shoulder. “Did… Did she pass out?”

Keith snorted. “From what, water?”

Shiro pointed to the giant cup on the coffee table in front of Pidge. “Did you guys go to a 7-Eleven before you came over?”

Hunk frowned. “No? We didn’t— Wait, why’s there a Super Big Gulp on the table?”

“I think I kept it from the last time,” said Keith, going to collect it. “Wait, what happened to the lid? She didn’t throw it out, did she?”

Lance guffawed. “Oh my god, you’re so Asian, it’s not even funny.”

“Shut up, I know you keep these things, too.”

“Uh, guys?” Hunk’s wary voice brought them back to the rest of the group. “She’s just… staring at the floor.”

They gathered around the sofa. Shiro kneeled in front of her with a worried frown. Keith joined him quickly, passing Lance the giant cup while Hunk mother henned close by.

“Pidge?” Shiro put a hand on her shoulder. “You okay?”

Behind him, Lance peered into the near-empty cup and sniffed. He gagged and recoiled from it, pushing it into Hunk’s hands. “Yuck, what _is_ this?”

Hunk took a curious sip. He pulled away with a thoughtful hum. “Tastes like that 5-Hour Energy thing.” He froze suddenly. “Wait. She didn’t…” Hunk appraised the size of the Big Gulp and looked warily at their friend on the couch. “…I think we should call 911.”

Lance blew a raspberry. “Please, this is Pidge we’re talking about. Even _I_ wouldn’t—”

Suddenly, Pidge gave a loud, wheezing gasp, shocking all four of them.

Shiro’s hand fell onto her forehead. “Katie, are you oka—”

“WHATEVER YOU DO,” her sudden shout made them all freeze, “DO _NOT_ FILL UP A ‘SUPER BIG GULP’ CUP WITH 5-HOUR ENERGY AND CHUG THE WHOLE THING. MY HEART HAS EITHER STOPPED COMPLETELY OR IS BEATING SO FAST THAT I CAN’T FEEL MY OWN PULSE.”

Then she passed out.

Shiro turned pale. “Shit, call 911.”

Lance waved his phone. “Already on it— Hello? Yeah, I need an ambulance. My friend drank a hundred bottles of 5-Hour Energy. …No, not literally a hundred, more like…” Lance turned to the others. “How many bottles goes into a Super Big Gulp?”

Hunk grabbed the phone. “22 bottles, more or less. Yes, the address is…”

“Wait,” said Keith, “she didn’t drink all of it, so it can’t be 22 bottles.”

Hunk pulled away from the phone. “Right, but it’s safer to assume the worst just in case— Hello? Yeah, I’m still here— Water? Okay, and— Wait, check if she’s what? Hallucinating?”

At that, Lance plopped himself between Keith and Shiro and waved a hand in front of Pidge’s face. “Yo, Pidge. You got wizard eyes?”

“Lance, stop it,” Shiro scolded.

Pidge actually responded. “I SEE DOTS. ON YOUR FACE. THEY’RE GLOWING. AND NOW THEY’RE BARKING.”

“Oookay,” said Shiro, “She’s got wizard— Keith?! Don’t drink the rest of it!” Shiro tried to swipe the cup out of Keith’s hands.

Keith leaned back with a scowl. “Are you kidding me? I paid good money for this, I’m not gonna waste it!”

“Do you see Pidge?!”

“This isn’t even pure 5-Hour Energy! This shit’s watered down like fuck! I bet you this isn’t even two bottles!”

The group looked at Keith.

“What.” “Oh, thank god.” “Are you _serious—”_

Lance whirled on Hunk. “How could you not tell that?!”

Hunk was incredulous. “Because I don’t actually drink that stuff?! I only had, like three sips in my entire life up until now, and all of that was in high school!”

“We _are_ in high school,” said Keith.

“We graduated!”

“Yeah, only about a week ago.”

“Yeeaaaaah!” Lance got up and started breaking into a dance. “About a week ago, week ago, week ago—”

“Knock it off, idiot,” Keith growled, slapping his palm against Lance’s left ass cheek.

 _“Ay!_ Damn, that one really hurt!” said Lance, shoving Keith as he returned to crouching on the floor. He ignored Keith’s laughter and ran a hand through his hair. _“Any_ way, before I was so rudely interrupted—”

Shiro was quick to judge. “Lance, I hope you know that there’s a limit to your memes.”

Lance scowled and waved him off. “Yeah, yeah, I gotcha, hold up a sec, this is relevant.”

Keith and Hunk exchanged curious looks. Shiro’s brows went up.

“Okay, then. Sorry,” Shiro said, and meant it. “Can you continue?”

“Sure.” Lance made vague, airy gestures with his hands as he spoke. “It’s just that I remembered a week ago, when I was hanging out with Nyma and the other girls for brunch, Pidge said something like she couldn’t drink the fraps Allura bought for us ‘cause she can get real messed up after a regular cup of coffee. So, obviously, I didn’t take it seriously and dared her to chug two tall fraps. And then I had to take her home ‘cause she wouldn’t stop shaking and talking about how to calculate the density of dark matter in galaxy clusters. So, like… We’re good, guys, she’s not dying.”

Shiro wasn’t appeased. “Well, we just called for an ambulance! How are we supposed to explain that we called because we freaked?!”

“People do that all the time,” said Hunk. “Better to be safe than sorry, right?”

Keith sloshed the Super Big Gulp in Lance’s direction. “If you’re so worried, just let _him_ explain. They’ll be out of our hair in five minutes.”

Lance narrowed his eyes at Keith. “…I don’t like you anymore.”

“I meant it in a good way!”

“That didn’t _sound_ like you meant it in a good way!”

A loud, wailing siren shredded the silence of the quiet neighborhood outside. Within seconds, there was a frantic pounding at the door and calls for them to open up.

“We can’t call 911 to this house ever again,” Shiro moaned, “they’ll never take us seriously.”

“Quit being so dramatic,” Keith grumbled, getting up to open the door before EMT tried to break it down. “This kind of stuff happens all the time.”

The moment Keith opened the door, a whole squad burst in, carrying all sorts of equipment including a stretcher. After pointed to where Pidge was laying on the sofa, the squad zoomed right past Keith and into the kitchen.

In their rush to get to the child-sized teen who had allegedly consumed over 4K milligrams of caffeine, one man didn’t see the discarded bottle of 5-Hour Energy rolling around on the kitchen floor. He tripped over it, falling forward onto his partner, who twisted his body to the right in a rather impressive attempt to regain his balance. The sudden halt made the guy carrying the stretcher ram it into the side of the kitchen’s island counter to keep the stretcher from running over his colleague. The sheer force of the crash knocked the entire hamster cage right onto the stretcher.

As if things weren’t chaotic enough already, a fourth man suddenly clomped right through the wide-open door, running and shouting, “I fixed the EKG! It works now!” In his excitement, he, too, didn’t see the tiny bottle laying meekly on the floor. When he stepped on it, he was sent flying backwards. The EKG machine went up in the air.

The first man who tripped caught the machine and stumbled backwards, bumping into the cart with his hip and sending it wheeling down the hallway to crash against the back of the sofa.

The hamster cage fell to the floor.

Two hairy spiders crawled out in panic.

Everyone screamed.

**Author's Note:**

> "s-tover" on Tumblr. Come and give me some more BAD IDEAS.


End file.
